If not, you probably want to do that before proceeding.
Let's see how well I followed the PLAN.
Drive to race:
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
G*D DAMMIT! I'm LATE.
Really, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
Throws bike in back on car. Grabs helmet, throws on front seat. WHERE DID I PUT MY COFFEE?
Forget it. Frantically pulls out of driveway. Notices coffee cup roll off car engine. Shit.
Wait. Do I have everything? Mental checklist:
water, shoes, shoes, helmet, bike.....that's enough. I can run a race with that.
Arrive at Race:
The instructions said this is a half mile walk to the start. I'm turning on my garmin. This is DEFINTELY a mile walk. I don't have time to warm up, get to registration and put up my transition. I'm counting this as my warm up.
(Arrive at transition: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It's packed. Where am I going to put my bike? Great! THere's a spot....in the back....I might as well be in Kansas for as far as this is from the bike/run exits).
HOLY SHIT DO I HAVE TO POOP. Why couldn't this happen at home? There is NO WAY I'm waiting in that porta potty line.
WARM UP
Ok. I have 10 minutes to warm up. I KNOW There's a "real" bathroom around here. OMG, I need to poop.
Run and clench on the way to the nearest bathroom. See a woman coming out and yell, "IS THAT BATHROOM OPEN?"
15minutes later: Geesh, I really need to pee. I just went. How is this possible?
Head back to start line.
20 minutes later: I need to pee again? DAMN this NO SWIM thing. I can't run with pee running down my legs. Right? I mean. That would be wrong.....wouldn't it? Let's keep an open mind. I wonder if I can hold it for an hour? Where does all this pee come from anyway?
Start of Race:
Why is no one lining up in the front? You KNOW all of these woman are going to past me. Why doesn't that Team USA woman line up in front? Isn't this the biggest group of sandbaggers I've ever seen?
F*ck this, I'm lining up in front.
COUNT THE WOMEN WHO ARE ALREADY RUNNING BACK TO T1. ✅
EVERY SINGLE WOMAN HAS NOW PASSED ME.
Hit the turnaround: Oh....not EVERYONE has passed me. There are two women walking.
Why is THAT woman walking? She looks super fit.
I know. This is bad. I'm now getting, "YOU GO GIRL" cheers. That's always a bad sign.
Thank volunteers.
Attempt smile.
T1
ALL THE BIKES ARE GONE. Did I go too slow? Seriously? Even the fat tire bikes are gone?
Ok. Well. What's done is done.
As far as I'm concerned.....
THE RACE STARTS NOW!
You really need to listen to the song to get the full effect.
BIKE:
You are going to chase down EVERY SINGLE PERSON ahead of you.
LEFT
LEFT
LEFT
ON YOUR LEFT
LEFT
LEFTLEFTLEFTLEFTLEFT
LEFTLEFTLEFTLEFTLEFTLEFTLEFT
LEFT
LEFTLEFTLEFTLEFT
LEFT
LEFTLEFTLEFTLEFTLEFTLEFTLEFTLEFT
WHY DO THEY PUT +40 WOMEN IN THE LAST WAVE?
WHAT is that Jeep doing? Why isn't he passing the cyclists? THere is plenty of room.
Awesome, I'm stuck here at 18mph. BEEJEEZUS. COME ON. JUST PASS. I can't get around. 18mph is NOT good enough. You know what? Those people need to get over or I'm going to sit behind this car all ride.
LET THE CAR PASS. GET OVER! (Hey, look.....not to be rude....but I'm out to win this fucking course).
THERE's MY CHANCE! GO GO GO!
OMFG. I might regret that pass. What were my watts? I'm SURE they were close to 400 on that pass.
CLEAR road ahead. HERE WE GO! Time to make up lost time.
UNLEASH THE BEAST! HERE WE GO BLACK BETTY!
I really need a drink, but I can barely breath. On the next downhill, take a drink. A BIG ONE. Why does my nose run so badly on the bike? There has to be biological reason for this.
Holy SHIT where did that S turn come from? I'm going too fast, too fast. i CAN'T MAKE THAT TURN GOING THIS FAST.
OMG....OMG...OMG.....I JUST WENT THROUGH THAT S TURN FASTER THAN I'VE EVER GONE THROUGH A TURN!
FUCK YEAH!!!!!!
I'm close now. Where is everyone? I know I didn't catch everyone.
HEY! There's TOM! HI TOM! GET IT DONE!
(Tom yells back)
He's such a nice guy.
WAIT. I JUST CAUGHT TOM. HOLY SHIT! I could be first overall. Is that even possible? He started 5minutes before me.
Wait, two women! I see two women ahead of me. GET THEM NOW. GET THEM. GO! GO! GO!
Holy shit! They are in their 30's! OMG! I'm going to have the fastest bike split of the day.
I KNEW IT! I KNEW I COULD DO THIS!
WTAF? WHO PUTS A STEEP CURVY HILL AT THE BIKE FINISH?
I am definitely going to fall over.
I BEAT ALL THE WOMEN!
T2:
Thank volunteer.
Attempt smile.
I should take a drink of water. HOLY SHIT! I KILLED THAT BIKE. I am definitely going to regret that decision.
RUN 2:
Is it possible that I could be in FIRST PLACE in my age group? That's not possible right?
Back up the enormous hill. Take your time up the hill. Everyone said this run would suck.
At the top LIGHT IT UP. Or well, you know. LIGHT IT UP in your TEA kind of way.
I forgot sunscreen. How did I forget sunscreen?
I should get a drink at the next aid station. It's hot out here.
WATER. Thanks. Attempt smile.
Throws water on face.
That didn't go well.
I'll get it next time around.
One mile until the turnaround. That's like running to the church. You can do this.
I hate running on gravel.
I hate hills.
It's starting to get hot.
Why do I do this?
IS THAT THE TURNAROUND? OMG OMG OMG. I'm almost there.
WTF?
That wasn't the turnaround?
Seriously? The turnaround is at the top of the hill.
Hang on. Where are the women? I haven't seen any women coming back.
There they are.
One. She is definitely younger than me.
Two. Oh yeah. She's in her 30's.
Three. Hmm. I'm guessing 40.
Four.....I'm pretty sure none of them are in their 50s
TURNAROUND.
About a quarter of a mile after the turnaround. THERE SHE IS. She is about a half mile behind me. She is in my age group. I passed her on the bike.
SHE'S CRUISING. OMG. She is running so fast.
I can't beat her. She's too fast. She's going to catch me.
STOP IT.
Don't write that story. If you're going to write a story make it a good one. Write about how you're going to tell Liz you came in 1st in your 1st duathlon.
Is that her behind me?
One mile left.
No. It's a guy.
OMG. OMG. RUN. RUN. RUN.
This hurts so bad.
Liz said, "If you feel like you never want to do a duathlon again, you're in the right place".
I'M THERE LIZ. I'M SO FUCKING THERE.
KEEP PUSHING. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET BEAT TODAY.
I am NOT GOING TO CRY.
I'm GOING SO HARD. I'm GOING AS HARD AS I CAN.
I CAN'T BEAR IT. I CAN'T BEAR TO GO AS HARD AS THIS ONLY TO GET BEAT.
RUN HARDER.
I AM NOT GOING TO CRY.
I CAN'T RUN THAT HILL AGAIN.
THERE'S THE FINISH! JUST HOLD on!
EVERYTHING YOU HAVE FOR 2 MINUTES, TEA.
EVERYTHING! RIGHT NOW!
FINISH LINE:
Hold me up.
Please.
We got you. I'm going to take off your chip.
Thank you. Attempt smile.
I need water.
What was my time? Where do I get my time?
Goal time for the race: 1:20 (If everything went well).
My actual time: 1:17.
I just won my age group.
Wait.
I JUST WON MY AGE GROUP.
I HAVE TO TEXT LIZ.
How did that happen? I JUST WON MY AGE GROUP in my FIRST DUATHLON.
I need to check the results again. There's no way.
Wait. I'm the only 50-54 on the board. Was I the only one in my age group?
What about the woman behind me?
I can't really tell Liz I won my age group if I'm the only one in my age group, right?
That's bullshit. You showed up. It's counts.
I'll pack up my stuff and check the board again.
I'm so hungry.
Let's check the board again.
1st place: Tea 1:17
2nd place: 1:32
3rd place: 1:33
4th place 1:35
HOLY SHIT! Not only did I WIN my age group! I killed it!
