As many of you know, there comes a point in training where the miles get long. You have a lot of time to be alone with your thoughts.
This can be both good and bad. Recently, I've been on both sides of this. There have been days, I've just wanted to quit. So.badly.
On a particularly bad day last week, I was surrounded by thoughts of: "I can't do this. Who am I fooling? Running around acting like a triathlete? What's the point? Just go home and tell Mr. Tea that you're not going to do the race. It's ok. This running. This heat. The hills. Everyone quits. Just stop."
And that's what I did. I stopped running.
"It's just too hard" I told myself.
"You're missing too many workouts. You're going too slowly."
"Do you KNOW how fast those women will be at Ironman? Do you KNOW? You're not in their league, no matter how much you train."
I cut the run short.
This attitude, evidently, came through while I was updating my training log. This set off an immediate email conversation between me 'n coach.
What I realized is that it's always easier to blame everything "else" in your life. But nothing will change until you take ownership of your actions.
Sometimes, when knee deep in WHATEVER it is, we all miss the forest for the trees.
So, when coach started going off about this and that. I thought "Of course, all of that is true. But, it certainly doesn't pertain to me. I know all that. I wouldn't make that mistake."
Then, he said something that struck me. It went something like this: Get up earlier. Quit your complaining. It's not supposed to be easy. Don't give a half-assed effort. Get out there and make the workouts count. Get your head right.
ME? Give a half assed effort? Who does he think he's talking to? I'm not some newbie doing a 70.3 for the first time! Doesn't he know it's hot? Doesn't he know how hard the hills are?
That night I stewed on this a bit.
The next morning, I realized that he was right. Am I slacking? Absolutely not. Was I cheating myself from hitting my goals?
Yes.
Then, I came across this quote:
"If you are always allowed to stop training when you feel discomfort, you will find it too easy to give yourself permission to quit." --Jet Li
Coach was right. Jet Li was right.
I was wrong.
I realized that I'd become too hung up on my goal. I lost the joy of just training.
The thing, THE thing that I loved more than anything. TRAINING for the sheer fun of challenging myself to be better than I was the week before.
Training doesn't have to be perfect. I just have to do it right, give everything I have for that day, that moment when I am doing that THING. If I can't do that, I shouldn't be doing it at all.
I don't know what will happen at Boulder. I DO know that I'd rather miss my goal time and enjoy the path that I took to get there.....than PR and need time off to recover mentally and physically.